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Being in your 3rdtees

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When i was young.. I thought 30+ was old and mature. Like mom dad behavior where all they do is ground you for not being home before the sunsets… right when the street lights come on.

Now that i am a single woman at 31 with no children… I realized that the dating world comes with clawing women that want to watch your every move to be “ahead” of you.

They want to sabotage any new relationship with someone because they’ve become bored… (maybe) in the life they have built. but they certainly have a husband so it’s creepy when noticing the lengths they WILL go to sabotage you.

I realized in my twenties that childish high school bullies did NOT end in high school . Which is weird but ok. Now in my thirties,i can see it does NOT end. Actually it increases.

The hardest truth to notice about all of this is that, they’re completely validated by other mean women. Never having a consequence because the group chat sends love that keeps them never looking inward.

I feel embarrassed and humiliated to admit how much this has painfully scared me internally. You know.. the place no one really sees… but I have no community, the place i live is gross, and i am just sad about thinking too much.

I tried to much to understand what I’ve done wrong and owned up to it but it still just leaves me with mean girls that feel they’ve won 🏆 and they’ve found pieces of my pain to use against me to win again.

I know the majority of people that pay attention to my posts are just frauds trying to make me and others play their slot machine games on their platforms. Only God knows what’s really going on… (anyone new seeing this I’ve made comments private not because of them but just for the page) I can expose it but it ain’t worth my energy.

If someone comments normal things may change but for now…Fuck that noise of people finding a small page and deciding it’s a place for advertisement. Sounds familiar right?

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The audacity

of my brain deciding to throw in… migraines, I’ve never had them before and I am not interested in any sales pitch to try different meds until the right one is for my unique brain.

each brain is unique and I don’t believe that I need to try every brand of medicine until I’ve felt different symptoms from each bottles warning labels.

there has got to be another way where I can still live life.

water? hydration? vitamins? some sort of fruit or vegetable? dunno…

I was given a lil heating and cooling pack from a customer (so sweet). Also, a memory I won’t forget.

however, when I have a job where I have no choice but to hustle… I need to create a different approach of a protective for my brain.

please if you have ideas I’m open to try any natural things.. <3

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Let’s see where this goes

On top of not being stable and living with family through that time, blog posts became a little too much for me.

Fast forward to today I’ve moved to a new state, and I’m still learning to like it here.

Zooming into today, I made myself breakfast and I’m trying again to build this.

Let’s see where it goes.

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my life became very scary

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As you know, I lived from my car for a little while there.. I didn’t know things like happening within because my body was practically in survival mode not warning me much about my nervous system. I must have missed those signs somehow because now that I have been safely tucked into a new home surrounded by people who love me unconditionally my nervous system felt safe enough to show me how much healing work needs to be done. I was not prepared for the emotional ups and down or the whiplash… there’s nothing that can prepare you for the story I am about to share.

While homeless I desperately wanted a home where I had love and people who just understand how hard it is. so what I did was reached out to family I haven’t seen in over 15 years and was welcomed to live here as long as I need. This home is magical I swear.

So when I was told yes, I packed my car early in the morning filling it up, stopped for a moment to call my parents and give them the news and they were kinda sad to see me go but also were extremely supportive. They just wanted me to come home one last time before I drove 900 miles away. I did. my pops had left to the gym, I started doing laundry waiting for both my mama and pops to come home. And as I’m helping take their trash out I get a call from my pops, a call that changed the way the Earth moves for me.

“Hey are you sitting down”

“no what’s wrong”

“your sister shot herself in the face” “but she’s still alive”

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“im coming home, were driving to Austin to pick up your mom, pack a bag…I don’t know how long we will be there”…

so all of these things I thought I could do … this website…the box idea.. having friends… have been really hard since the healing phase my sister is in… since me moving after taking care of her in her house for two weeks… just all of it.

but ill get back to it at some point…

Best always, me

This happened on April 8 it is now May 8… I know its been a whole month but I have like no motivation. only enough to heal myself right now.

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The Spin 💃🏻

The spin 💃🏻

Not the average dance, a dance with the devil. Woah back up… yeah I know. It’s as simple as that truth. Life right now feels like a constant dance with the devil with glimpses of unexplainable little sparks of miracles. I think I fucked up somewhere along the line of manifestation…

Where my writing became my reality… sounds like a fucking movie thing where some director walks out like, ”CUT”!

Nope, I’m very serious.
I don’t know how powerful our written words truly are…

What I do know is all mysteries of our universe will never be fully known.

I’ve started wondering — should I put more caution and a thought out moment for my written words?

Or should I not?

You know I am not really over the top when it comes to a belief system, but this right here is scary stuff I may have tapped into.

Writing is a ton of creative work, filled with experimenting a story line… but what happens when the written becomes true?